Hi. I'm Nicole. I have a problem with food.

I have a problem with food. In the past, I would have put one of the following jokes here:

A.) I don't have anyone to cook it for me.
B.) Aureole is too far away/too expensive.
C.) It's not all made out of chocolate.

But in all seriousness, I have a problem with food. I had 80 lbs. of problem, but I've whittled around 50 lbs. off of that. For the first time in as long as I can remember, taking a slightly long view, this problem feels somewhat manageable. At least, it feels manageable in that 30 seems like a much less scary number than 80.

Since I started this journey in earnest, numbers have become very important to me. I understand the mathematics of it down to the specifics. I know how many calories my body burns on its own in a day. I know how many I can eat in a day. I know that a daily calorie deficit of 500 calories equals one pound of weight loss per week.

It's just math.

It's not the scale gods. I'm not a bad person. There's no metaphysics here. It's just math. It's not personal.

I was on meal replacements for many months, and I'm workig on going back to more "conventional" food. It's hard. It's hard everyday. Taking the real long view, I know that this is a lifelong road. It will always be hard. It will always be everyday. But I can manage it.

I've returned to Weight Watchers, too. While I love this program, and believe in it, it's been an adjustment to recognize that its rules don't really apply to me. Their points allotment exceeds my daily metabolic rate. Their philosophy that you can "have anything," doesn't apply to me. Because I can't. I'm different in that regard. I can't have a box of 100 calorie pack snacks around -- because it's a 600 calorie pack for me. I can't have their "Just 2 Points" bars, because they're never just two points for me. I can't have Skinny Cow in the house, because it doesn't last.

But, at least I know my issues. I'm learning to confront them and cope with them. I'm learning to listen to the strategies that work, and apply them. Most importantly, I'm learning to identify those other "strategies" and "rules" that I use as a loophole -- and that only set me back.

Yay progress.